It is so easy to fall back into your same old patterns. Just a minute here, or I'll get to that later there, while second by second the time keeps ticking away. The days keep passing and the kids keep growing, and I am discovering my lack of awareness might just be part of my humanness. Most days it is a struggle just to keep, up and I wonder if the concept of documenting all of lifes "little things" is some made up ideal that leaves busy mom's feeling like failures. I often find myself wondering if I am alone, or is everyone experiencing the same things?
I know my perception of time and it's quality changed when I was diagnosed, but it still felt so infinite. I had been told I had cancer, but this was not my life and I was determined not to let it define me. There was never a doubt God would give me the strength I needed to heal and go on, and there were very few moments I really thought about the fact I was sick. Once in remission the possibility of reoccurence was nothing more than a statistic, which I refused to believe was my future.
So what is happening now? As I stretch farther from remission I find myself wondering how long I have before it comes back, or will it ever come back? What will make me different from all the others that it never does? Would I know right away? What would it feel like? Could I do this all over again? Where would I find the strength to do it again? What would it do to my kids? I feel pressed with the urgency to embrace every moment, but why?
My health over the past year has been more than problematic. Every other month I have been faced with a secondary infection, not to mention chronic low iron and iron stores. There have been many a day I have found myself crumpled in a ball praying God would give me just one more ounce of strength to get me through the task at hand. (kids) Chemo was a breeze in comparison to some of this.
Today I found myself at yet another breaking point, as Nate is away hunting, I had 10,000 kids activities and was feeling like my fuel tank was completely dry. I had been on the phone with my oncologist describing my symptoms, frustrations and fears of stopping the drug I am on, so didn't give thought to the fact the kids would be listening above their own chatter in the back seat. As I entered the house knowing I had two more hours of taxing, dinner to cook and bedtime routines, I honestly didn't know how I was going to physically get through another moment. As I sat down in the living room to gather myself one more time Alexa came up and handed me a note, and quietly walked away. Here is what it said.....what wisdom and such perfect timing=)
How beautiful and how perfect - exactly what you needed. To have the faith of a child.........Love you Kim! When you are tired, that what AW is for - you call on us and we'll be there to help so your burden is less!
xoxo Erin B
Posted by: Erin | 10/14/2011 at 09:01 AM
Love that girl! Such a little blessing!
Posted by: Chelsea Haponski | 10/09/2011 at 05:21 PM